Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
